Not What I Had Planned

So, this has not been the year and a half I had planned. I would not have chosen many things to have happened in our life. #1, I wish Lance's mom had not died. This is because I'm selfish. I know that she would not want to come back. Who would want to come back once you had been in the presence of our Savior? But, its been very difficult to deal with her physical absence. She was our biggest help. Even though she was really sick these past 16 months, she was always there for us. She loved to take care of others, hated to be taken care of. That was one of the hardest parts of chemo for her-having to be helped. I don't understand why God chose to take her home, but I know it was for all of our best and for His glory. I am so thankful that Jesus came and conquered death, but I hate that we still have to experience it. Again, I'm selfish. Our faith has been strengthened through this, but I would not have chosen to learn this way. I must say that this loss has made me love my husband more. He would hate any praise for this, but he was my hero. He cared for his mom better than I would have known how to for anyone. Lance was already incredible, but this made me see him in a whole new way and I am thankful to know him more deeply and see Jesus in him more.

#2, I would not have chosen to struggle with infertility for 16 months. Yes, we have had unexplained secondary infertility. I really have control issues. The Lord has humbled me greatly through this process. As it took no time to get pregnant with Madeline, I thought it would be the same again. Little did I realize how much I needed to learn patience and how to rely on the Lord, and not myself for everything. I am thankful that the Lord loves me enough to draw me to himself in whatever way he deems necessary to produce a harvest of righteousness in my life. It hurt though. Of course, as Steve Johnson used to say, I never seem to learn anything when things are going well. Its only when things are hard that I look to the Lord. I have learned that God, in his goodness, has given me all that I NEED. He has also given Lance and Madeline all they need. It was good to remember this when I felt like Madeline really needed a sibling, that she indeed did not, because God had said it was so. It was comforting, but still not easy to swallow. I think the most frustrating thing for me has been that everything works on us. Everything works great with us together as well. So it has been all God saying, "Its not time." That's hard to hear when he's given you a good desire for another child. Its not what I would have chosen or expected for our life. Again, its made me love my husband more. Lance is a rock of faithfulness. He was sad of course, because he desired another child as well, but he was not frustrated like I was or crushed each month. He points me to Jesus, and reminds me that He is worthy of our trust and that his plan is best.

#3, I would not have chosen to have children 3 1/2 years apart, or a baby in the heart of summer. The day after Thanksgiving we found out that the Lord had answered our prayers and we are expecting again. I am 13 weeks and due August 5. Basically the week after we found out, it became clear that Gail was going down hill. This pregnancy took a back burner right away. Gail did know before she went to be with the Lord that this baby was on the way. She was even telling the nurses about it the day before she died. I wish this child would have had the opportunity this side of heaven to know his/her GiGi. God really has been merciful. I could not have gone through my first trimester during this time and been as sick as I was with Madeline. I have bouts of sickness but not the constant nausea I felt with her from weeks 7-13. I'm still pretty smell sensitive and the thought of certain foods makes me want to gag, but otherwise, I'm making it. I'm not going to lie people, I do not like pregnancy. There I said it. Even having to wait as long as we did, I still did not long to "be pregnant" again. I could go into all the things I don't like, but basically I don't enjoy sharing my body with someone. It actually makes me feel a little claustrophobic. Like I'm trapped in here and a parasite is taking over. Please don't misunderstand, I LOVE this baby, pregnancy is just another exercise in faith building. I know I have absolutely no control in pregnancy. I hate that. This side of heaven, I don't foresee ever not dealing with this sin pattern.

So, not much has gone then way we planned/hoped. But what better road could we be on but the road that the Lord has planned? Thanks be to Him who is a lamp unto my feet-and not a spotlight upon my forehead. I can only see the small space before my feet. If I could see the path ahead there would be no reason to trust him moment to moment.